i think im officially ditching this blog..LOL

im at here more often. :)

I feel like a 4-month pregnant lady now, with all those bloody hormones making me mood swing to the extremes, all those nausea urges and the weight I gained.

Right in the very end, I still wanna stay in singapore and not go london for that bloody 3 months. Cos I will miss out 1st week of school, and a close 99% to retake my fucking PP that I worked so hard for.

I don't really feel any pain right now, but I'm still eating very much. I can't stop.

Can’t sleep, my mind can’t stop thinking. I want, and I know I won’t. Contradicting.

i just saw your post..
sorry. hehe..

It's really heartaching to know that someone has been through the same thing as you are going through now.

Today, as I sat outside of Myke's Oven, in the cooling weather, with a bowl of warm soup, my diary, a book, a comfy arm chair, with some personal time to relax. I was happy. So I started writing my diary, it took an hour to finish writing it. Cos half an hour, i was writing. The other was that the lady from the pet shop came over and had a chat with me, cos I was all alone, acting romantic sitting by myself.

So I started writing my diary, I couldn't stop.

she took a seat next to me, and she sees me with my diary.
she said 'writing diary?', i indicated that i was, 'it's not good yea? it's not healthy. you know what i meant right?'
i understood what she meant, absolutely, that instance, my heart sank a thousand feet more.
she could understand how i feel, i was kind of glad that finally i didnt have to explain and someone understood how i feel.
but then, negativity struck when i also realised that someone has been through the same thing as im going through.
'it's really no good girl, you have to find the correct way of helping yourself, talk to someone, dont write it down, it's not helping.'
i tried very hard to keep my tears in my eyes.
'my shrink told me that it's not healthy, it's not the correct way to vent at the very least. i know, the kind of feeling that you are strong and tough on the outside and soft, softer than anything inside the cover. i understand.'
then we looked at each other in the eyes and knew that we shouldnt talk abt it anymore.

she sat for a while longer, smiled and left.
what left behind was the mixed feelings i've not felt for so long, and the restrictions i gave myself to think wild.
i knew i wasnt recovering. lying to myself, acting that i've recovered. i dont wanna go back to sessions.

i talked to amber. she's busy trying to get away from doing her chinese and english essays. LOL.
amber, jiayou! i love you too.

1. being able to come on earth after a miscarriage that almost happened.
2. many little accidentssss, since young till now. eg, head stuck in jolly rides, screwdriver poked in eyebrow, 2 kneecaps scraped from falling down the slope of multistorey carpark when rollerblading, car accident when it banged my bike's head.
3. ever since moving into the fajar apartment, family has never been complete.
4. daily life working in SinLee Dover and Clementi. best moments in childhood.
5. moving into rented 2 storey condo at Lakepoint, having a room all by myself, and randal being taken care of by us. <3
6. swimming every single day while at Lakepoint.
7. moving into clementi ave 2.
8. dropping by chantily heights/rise? not more than 5 times to visit grandma.
9. grandma's passing. devastated.
10. aunt doris and family migrated to melbourne. randal's cute crying session on the way retrieving the car when he realised he's not gonna see dion for like a very long time.
11. was assured that families didnt really exist.
12. still unable to let go of grandma after so many years. regrets much.
13. 2 fun weeks in melbourne staying at doris' place. met cute jordon and brendon, cousins whom i'd never knew they existed.
14. in and out of 4 relationships. 2 guys, 2 girls.
15. gay ever since 15.
16. half out of the closet since 17. (hi son, you are not alone)
17. never thought and had faith that friendships could last forever.
18. needed the sense of security more than anyone else.
19. can only enters sleep hugging a pillow/bolster, with another 'guarding' my back.
20. has tried slitting my wrist, but lol, i was a chicken, it didnt go deep.

im so bored right now, restless to be exact.
i finally put my head right through and finished my PP last night, this morning at 6am.
although it is still subjected to approval, i cant care much cos i've done my best and basically sucked my brains out for this.
yes, my command of english is that bad, so soon will my chinese as well. i need to read, now that i've time, a little more of time.
well, so i rewarded myself the permission to snug under my bed covers and watch movies till dawn.
and i did, i watched till 1130am to be exact.
i knew i was tired, but i decided to do whatever my inner self told me to.
stopping at 1130am, i went to sleep and was called up at 12pm.
at least i got 30mins of sleep, 36 minutes actually.
im really thankful that im not feeling nauseous or having headache now like i would be having right now if i'd stayed up in the past or not sleep at all.
so off we went to office, trying to get paul a white shirt to wear for a wedding reception later, where he will be helping Myke at.
then walked over to Myke's Oven, i dont really know what's gonna happen next here now.
not in my imagination, and i'd prefer not to think about it now.
rushed out all the danish and croissant needed for the wedding reception.
god i miss those times, Sin Lee, where we would have fun putting cream on cakes, wrapping buns, but i know that's all in the past.
well, yes, i was from a family with backgrounds, not someone you'd wanted to mess with, but it all happened before we all, my generation, were mature.
all we knew was, we're goddamn rich, big family=big conflicts, separate ways, broken family, hardship.
i'd never thought i would have to go through this list actually. my list of milestones in life. i think i'll do a short one in my next post.
anyhoot, i now, only want to have everything that i have to do, done, and that soon in time to come, i'd have time for myself.
of course which, i am not following cos i'd be helping my mum's report now if i really want that.
and then now, i lost my momentum to write whatever i had in mind to do so.
oh right, thanks to filling my title first before i go on to the content.
reading. as i said earlier, i want to read.
three titles currently in mind that imma get when mum's not in town.
1. Seeking Sara Summers - Susan Gabriels
2. I Can't Think Straight - Shamim Sarif
3. The World Unseen - Shamim Sarif
constant points in these three titles? yes there is, go find it out yourself if you dont know. ;)
im gonna be at ease with myself from the next post onwards. i cant hide anymore. :)
whatever, i cant be bothered right now. ok, so i cant wait, i'll really have to finish work first, before my next post today, so that mum doesnt have anything to hold against me.

reminder to self: my list of milestones in life in next post, after this, sometime, by today, after finishing work. i promise.

i didnt hide things away
if you are my friend, a true friend that is,
-not just a classmate that when in time to come we wont talk anymore after we change class,
-not just a 'friend' that you act like you care about me and im always there whenever you need me and then you tell me you'll do the same too and in the end, you just fucked me off one side after you dont need me anymore,
-or not a newly acquainted friend, that we have just met and havent talk much(cos i cant blame you),
you will find that im a person totally opposite of what i portray to other people, you'll realise that i am someone with things that i choose not to let people know but at the same time that i did not deny about.

seriously, the purpose of writing this post, is to remind myself to stop getting bothered by whatever that everyone has done..
do you know how hard and tiring it is to entertaining all of you? yes, i do know very clearly i have issues that everyone will hate me about too, who doesnt? im a bitch when i need to and when i dont need to, but im telling you, who isnt? we are living in a world that people change drastically. and besides, college times are meant to be ruined and fucked up.

i really believe that each and everyone of you, have at least 10 minutes of true friendship that you have put in effort to.
but im telling you, you have your limits, i have mine too.

i've been working everyday after school now. toggling between school, housechores, office work, and cafe work. and i only have 24hours, just like everyone else..
i am not wonder woman, or wonder wonder that we like to call it. i dont think it's great or sacrificial that im doing this.
this is just a normal stage majority people go through.
and also, anyone who goes through this, would definitely break down sooner or later.
i could only take it for 2 weeks, and then i totally crashed. i crashed, with no one understanding why. i broke down, with tears flowing non stop. i just couldnt stop. i didnt have enough time for myself, not to say for any one else. i took my own liberty to skip school as i want just so that i could sleep more.
i can say that im having a very hard time now, but i definitely know that im not the worse.
im half dead.

school is getting busier, i have PP to complete and OOP assignment 2 to start on.
UT2 is coming up and im totally not prepared for it. cos i've either been skipping class, sleeping in class, or not doing work.
i'd really wanna take this opportunity to thank my classmates for putting up with my rubbish since two weeks ago and im sorry abt it. even though i know no one is gonna read this.
further more, i need to complete my CE module. seriously, fuck RP.

amber is back in town and finally i got to meet her after 8months. im sorry baby, but i have things to do so i cant meet you more. thanks for coming down to the cafe with charmaine, bolin, clifford and jacob even though it was a short one, and even though it just felt like everyone came just for the sake of coming down. i seriously had no idea why you all came down but i hope im wrong.

after a very long time, dawn and i talked again. not that we broke our friendship, which i almost stupidly did and of which for that i cried like fuck, but she just came and said hi again when i really needed someone. i didnt tell her my problems but she always appear at the times when i really needed someone. i dont think she knew abt how great and 'light-shining' she was to me when she just msned "(:" .

i've been really getting out of touch with everybody cos im always busy sleeping and staring into blank spaces.
no one knows how much longer i can hold onto. but we all know we have to work very hard to make a living.
i hope and know that God will carry us along with him as we experience this busy and crucial period.

You are the most selfish arrogant bitch I've ever known. I really I could wash my hands off you right now. You're the source of all my unhappiness. You make me want to kill myself evey time you talk about your fucked up experience and knowledge that you think that people would die without it. Seriously, you don't have a point eating those medicines, they are not helping after so many years. So just fuxk you, you are really a damn failure. You fail to give me a place where I feel that I belong to and you fail to take me in hand. You fail to set a good example for me and you expect me to follow you. Don't fuxking compare me to you or want me to be you, because I AM ME, AND YOU ARE YOU. things that happened to you before is your own business, not mine. Don't expect me to help when I know that you are not gonna change and just a fuxked up person. Things that happen in the past is not gonna happen now because times have changed. It's a whole new world out there now. Don't come and act nice to me after scolding me for things that I didn't do or want to do because it is caused by you. You are really very pathetic. You do not worth me suffering and crying even if it was very difficult in bringing all of us up. Don't make me go to the state where there is not anything that I would stay with you for. Don't push me anymore because I'm telling you, I have enough of your rubbish just as you are of mine. Don't.